{"id":190,"date":"2018-12-22T10:20:05","date_gmt":"2018-12-22T10:20:05","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.rollingwith.me\/wordpress\/?p=190"},"modified":"2018-12-22T10:22:14","modified_gmt":"2018-12-22T10:22:14","slug":"retirement-hmm","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.rollingwith.me\/wordpress\/retirement-hmm\/","title":{"rendered":"Retirement? Hmm…"},"content":{"rendered":"

The more astute of you\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2026what am I saying? You are reading my blog so <\/i>obviously\u00a0<\/b><\/i>you <\/i>are\u00a0<\/b><\/i>astute<\/i>\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2026may have noticed that I\u2019ve neglected my blog for the last few weeks. <\/span><\/p>\n

I do hope you missed me rather than \u2018I\u00a0<\/em>hadn\u2019t even noticed it had gone<\/i>?<\/span><\/p>\n

Well, there is a reason. A big fat elephant wandered in to the room and plonked itself down while I was watching Hollyoaks\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
Hollyoaks. It\u2019s on before the news, why else would I watch it?<\/em><\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Hey, don\u2019t judge me, it is on directly before Channel 4 News, the only news bulletin worth watching. That\u2019s the only reason I have it on, honestly! Nothing to do with the unfeasibly attractive women and unbelievable story lines\u2026<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

Now the problem with an elephant in the room is that the longer you don\u2019t acknowledge it, the more comfortable you become around it. Initially craning your neck is a bit weird and awkward, but with practice, you can see enough of Krishnan [my wife worked with his dad]<\/i>\u00a0Guru-Murthy, to ignore the huge grey mammal, and you just get on with \u2018stuff\u2019. <\/span><\/p>\n

But eventually there comes a time when it needs to be addressed. <\/span><\/p>\n

My big news is that on the 16th<\/sup>November 2018, I retired. <\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/h3>\n

It was all a bit quick, so took a while to get my head around. Ironically, my last blog entry was referring to how I work things out psychologically in my own mind, what tricks I play to come to terms with my disability and other issues. Well, this one has actually taken a bit longer to work out. In fact, I\u2019m not sure I have yet.<\/span><\/p>\n

Okay, what\u2019s been going on? <\/span><\/p>\n

Well, back in January, I was interviewed for a new job. It was as the Service Manager for an established charity in the UK, that was developing a new service on the Isle of Man. My role would be to set things up and get them going. I told them that due to my disability, I was unlikely to work for more than about 18 months, due to increased fatigue, so we\u2019d need to begin succession planning very early on. In my mind, I\u2019d help get things established and working, then step away, seamlessly handing it over to someone else. I suppose I hoped to see it as a legacy of my career, in years to come, I\u2019d see the work they were doing and hopefully expanded in to new areas, and think \u201cI set that up<\/i>\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

Unfortunately, for a number of reasons which I won\u2019t go in to, the setting up process was not very smooth. Actually, not smooth at all. Fast forward to November, and the service still wasn\u2019t registered. <\/span><\/p>\n

One of the later delays was because the government\u2019s Registrations body, that would allow the charity to operate and oversees the quality of services delivered, insists on a Level Five management certificate \u2018or working towards the qualification<\/i>\u2018. This is something that I don\u2019t have (I\u2019m a Registered Nurse with twenty years management experience, but no formal management qualification). The course generally takes about 12 months (ish) to complete and costs about \u00a33,000 (plus study time etc). The organisation had a policy that candidates had to agree, if they left within two years of doing the course, they would repay the fees. Naturally, I pointed out that this would not be fair in my case, having told them at interview that I only had about 18 months left to work (and we were nine months in to that). If I\u2019d started the course, simply to become registered, I probably wouldn\u2019t have completed it. <\/span><\/p>\n


\nRunning in parallel to this, I\u2019d been reviewed by a neuro-physiotherapist a couple of months earlier. In general \u2018chat\u2019 I\u2019d mentioned the increased fatigue. She said that I was a \u201cclassic case<\/i>\u201d of someone with my type of injury, who was trying to work full time. At the weekends, I rarely got out of bed before 1pm as I needed to rest. I was awake, but remained there as it was a good place to be relaxed. I wasn\u2019t wearing my Ankle Foot Orthotic on my left leg or the Functional Electronic Stimulator on my right, so the skin had time to recover. But also, mentally, I wasn\u2019t \u2018doing anything\u2019<\/em> beyond reading Facebook or ShrimpsVoices (Morecambe Football Club forum). Nothing that demanded any concentration. On work days, in the evening, I\u2019d arrive home exhausted and almost always fall asleep until my wife brought me my tea. The physio said that because it took so much time to recover in order to keep working, I was exercising less. Less exercise meant I became more unfit. As my fitness deteriorated, I fatigued easier, needing more rest time to recover. And so the vicious circle continued. She said that I would need time not working in order to concentrate on my fitness if I was to reduce the fatigue.<\/span><\/p>\n

As a result, following discussions with the management it was agreed that it would be best to go then, in November. This allowed me to concentrate on my health and the organisation to recruit a manager who has the management certificate and do so while it was still quiet, rather than in a few months\u2019 time when it is busy.<\/p>\n

I had no doubt that it was the right thing to do for both the organisation and me but because it happened so quickly, I didn\u2019t have time to prepare myself mentally\u2026 \u2026emotionally<\/i>. I\u2019d been very proud that I\u2019d returned to work within six months of acquiring a disability and I was proud of the organisation that I worked for, albeit frustrated by the delays. Suddenly, my career had come to an end. <\/span><\/p>\n

Previously, my only real emotional challenge that I\u2019d not met full on, had been my motorbike. <\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
My Triumph Daytona 675. Isn\u2019t it beautiful?<\/span><\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve still got my Triumph 675 Daytona, sitting in the garage. It hasn\u2019t moved now for more than five years (beyond a few miles when I arranged for it to be serviced with a view to selling it). I know that once it has gone, I\u2019ll never have another bike. Now of course, it is hardly worth anything financially after sitting there, not moving, just getting older (a bit like me then!) Even though I rarely even see it, I know it is there and I\u2019m kind of hanging on to \u2018being a biker<\/i>\u2018.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Suddenly, for the first time since I was seventeen years old, I\u2019m not working. And it is really, really weird. Not nice weird either. <\/span><\/p>\n

Also, because I was the only person working for the organisation on the Isle of Man, and the speed between the decision being agreed and it being implemented, I didn\u2019t get to say good-bye to colleagues in Liverpool other than a \u2019round robin\u2019 email and no opportunity to even go for a few beers, as would normally happen when someone \u2018retires<\/i>\u2018. It felt like I\u2019d not had any closure. Even \u2018what I am<\/i>\u2018 remains difficult to define. I know that technically, I\u2019m on incapacity, signed off work for the next 12 months. I\u2019m not \u2018retired\u2019 really, because I don\u2019t have a pension. I\u2019m \u2018off sick<\/i>\u2018. And that doesn\u2019t sit right either. <\/span><\/p>\n

A couple of weeks ago, having mentioned to them the weird feeling of leaving without a leaving do, some friends took me out for \u2018a leaving do without any work colleagues<\/i>\u2018, which was nice. I must admit, that did offer a certain sense of \u2018closure\u2019 because in my mind, that is how I\u2019d considered it. I was going out that night, as my leaving do. <\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve started to think about my health. I\u2019ve been using my cycle machine every other morning.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"
It\u2019s easier to exercise in the Dominican Republic, where it is warm!<\/em><\/span><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

My original plan was to get out in my Mountain Trike (a manual wheelchair that is propelled by a \u2018rowing\u2019 type of action) but the weather has been appalling ever since I stopped work, so that\u2019s not happened. <\/span><\/p>\n

Crap weather in November & December, who\u2019d have thought that?<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

I hadn\u2019t realised how exhausted I had become until I stopped, so for a few weeks, my body just collapsed, but I\u2019m beginning to feel some benefit now. My sleep pattern appears to have improved, possibly because I\u2019m not falling asleep in the evening. I can\u2019t do a \u2018big shop\u2019 but I can get bits & pieces, which I\u2019ve done a few times, mainly to get me out of the house. <\/span><\/p>\n

And now I\u2019ve told the world that I\u2019m retired! <\/span><\/p>\n

That doesn\u2019t feel \u2018good\u2019 or \u2018right\u2019. But at least it is out there. Now I can work out what it really means for the next thirteen years or so that I had expected to work ordinarily? I didn\u2019t know exactly why\u00a0<\/b><\/i>I didn\u2019t want to explain this before, but now I have, so I can let it percolate through my mind until it makes sense. <\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve chased the elephant out of the room. Now I can look forward to my first Christmas as a retired person\u2026 <\/span><\/p>\n

pass my pipe & slippers!<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The more astute of you\u2026 \u2026what am I saying? You are reading my blog so obviously\u00a0you are\u00a0astute\u2026 \u2026may have noticed[…]<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":195,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[23,22],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-190","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-disability-issues","category-life-style"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rollingwith.me\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/190","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rollingwith.me\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rollingwith.me\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rollingwith.me\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rollingwith.me\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=190"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"http:\/\/www.rollingwith.me\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/190\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":203,"href":"http:\/\/www.rollingwith.me\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/190\/revisions\/203"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rollingwith.me\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/195"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.rollingwith.me\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=190"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rollingwith.me\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=190"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.rollingwith.me\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=190"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}